We all search for the right thing to say when a friend spills some horrible news. I'm talking about the kind of news that when delivered, hits you like a blow to your gut and knocks the wind out you...leaving you both breathless and speechless. We wrack our brain for the perfect poetic words to make things better, because we have a compulsion to try to fix it, if only for our own sake. But, let me just break it down here. The brutal truth? It won't make it better.

Dealing with a chronic illness for the last (almost) two years of my young life, I've heard well-intended "comforting" phrases galore. And I am guilty of it myself, in the past and even now, saying all of them repeatedly even though I know from experience, they are seriously questionable in the comforting process. So, I sat down to analyze what these words really mean and why they don't help. I am now a self-professed expert at what not to say when I feel the deep seeded tug to say something—just anything. If you've said any of these, join the club. We all have. It means you have the ability to care about and love another human being. But the analytical Virgo in me has strictly demanded that I stop the insanity. I've put together a list of the top ten things that won't make it better, in no particular order.

10. "You'll see, one day we'll look back and laugh at this."

Ok, we might think it is funny one day but we also might not. So, unless you are experiencing a serious humor drought and intend on being there if and when the whole crisis blows over, don't even go there. If anyone gets to laugh at this one day, it's gonna be the person whose husband just took off with the 24 year old office slut—not the person usually saying this, with the perfect man, two kids and a family dog named Shadow.

9. "Well, it could always be worse...just look at so and so."

Yes, it could always be worse and most of us already know that, so don't add to the misery by dumping guilt onto an already difficult situation. Sometimes we, as women especially, just need to have a pity party for ourselves—tissues, pizza and ice cream in abundance. Parties can be fun alone but if you want to be a real friend, bring an extra tub of ice cream so you can each eat out of your own.

8. "This time in your life was meant to be."

I'm a huge believer in "meant to be," but most of us like to only apply that when we feel like it, not when everyone else wants us to. Also, just for the record, that one won't work in a huge portion of unfortunate situations. Try to make it sound convincing when your co-worker just rear ended a brand new Benz because she momentarily thought it was more important to reorganize her center console than watch the road.

7. "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."

According to me, this one just makes no sense in the heat of a moment. All we can think is he's no judge of who can handle what, and if there is even the slightest chance he gave this horror to me in the first place, I'm not really gonna find much solace in him deciding what I can or cannot handle. I think he might be out for this call.

6. "Have you tried going to church to help the healing process?"

Umm, noooo. And going to church will most likely ensure finding more people who will insist if only we would have been coming all along, this might not have happened. And of course, they'll say it in the sweetest way so if we should lose our cool and go psycho, it'll all end up coming back to the poor girl who has no faith and obviously never attended Sunday school.

5. "I know how you must feel dear."

If you don't know, don't say this. Even if you have had a similar experience, this one for some reason doesn't go over well. You may have felt it once and you surely remember, but you still don't know and even if you insist you do, no one believes you anyway because they are going through it NOW and that's when it's the worst. Hit them up in another month and they might, just might, listen to you. "If chicken soup worked, their cabinet would already be stocked up."

4. "Tomorrow will be better."

Let's get real. Unless you are a certified psychic, this is a lie. If someone is miserable today, they probably won't see how 24 hours could change all that much. If tomorrow is better, let them come back to you and apologize for rolling their eyes, but unless you hear otherwise, assume it turned out the same as the day before.

3. "Is there anything I can do?"

Unless in my instance, you are willing to find a way to swap bodies with me to relieve me of my miserable pain, just for one day so I can have a break, then no, there is nothing you can do. Everyone sincerely appreciates someone wanting to DO something to help but sometimes it's just not possible. And trying to be motherly about it by giving them suggestions about what you could do to help after they've told you nothing, (like making chicken soup) is only going to annoy them more. If chicken soup worked, their cabinet would already be stocked up. The meaning behind chicken soup is letting someone know you care, so you are better off just saying that. Then you don't have to cook it, and they won't have to eat it.

2. "I promise, everything will work out for the best."

This is not a for sure thing. If it does happen to work out for the best, then great. If not, that's such a lame thing to risk breaking a promise about. Remember, promises are strong ties among friends and you don't want to throw that word around too carelessly.

1. "I could never do what you are doing."

Of course you could. We all could do anything if we absolutely had to. My response to this is always: I could never do what I was doing either, except I don't have a choice and that's exactly how and why I am doing it in the first place. I'm no superhero. Some nights when I go to bed, I think to myself "I cannot do this, not even for one more day." And eventually I fall asleep...and then you guessed it...I wake up. And, I realize my life is just waiting there for me to wade through all over again.

So, now you ask—what is the right thing to say? Well, I'm not sure there is one answer for that. It depends on the situation. Best friend breaks-up with a short-term beau? Cocktails and girl talk! Your sister has a hard day at work? Cocktails and girl talk! If it's anything much more serious than that, it can be tough. People by nature have the need to save, to remove hurt, to make better, so we try in every way we know how. It's a combination of our own feelings of helplessness and the wonderful human spirit that drive this behavior.

I have a handful of very, very good friends. They all love me in so many ways, and each with their unique approach to dealing with my illness, remind me how blessed I am to have them in my life. They make me feel warm and cozy with all the sweet things they say. Even when they are saying something that doesn't relieve my anxiety or fears, I recognize the words as love disguised in a tangled effort to reach my heart. And each time, they succeed.

However, I have a friend who consistently says something that truly reaches perfection. When Anita asks me how I feel and I tell her "crappy," she comes back with words that couldn't be more reassuring even though the harshness of them can come across as shocking. "Well that f*cking sucks and I'm sorry you feel crappy," she declares. And I agree. She doesn't dance around my pain because she knows it's there and if anyone could dance around it and forget it, it would be me. She never tries to make me feel better, because doctors are trained and paid to do that and the task has proved impossible even for them. She just says it like it is and makes me feel for that one moment in time, human. She takes a whole different approach and it works. She brings herself to a level that most can't achieve when dealing with difficult emotions—a level of reality where we can't fix, console or smooth some things over. She doesn't try to change it. She just tells it like it is. And it's not because she happens to be a cancer survivor and really knows what it's like to be sick. It's because she understands that even if you've been through hell and back and can relate to me, number 5 ("I know how you feel dear") won't help. Instead she's well aware that the simple raw truth can be humbling in an unexpected way. When I hear her confirm exactly what I'm thinking—that this really does f*cking suck—everything makes sense. Attempting to fix and help something impossible to conquer is wasted energy and hard work for the fixer and the fixee.

When you are in your worst state of despair, sometimes it just won't get better—not even with sugar coated words. So, you just have to sit there and know it sucks and hurt. And when times like that roll through your life, there is nothing better than one person confident enough to go out of their comfort zone and remind you of that. And I've learned if you have that, maybe it doesn't really suck so bad after all.